SLEEPLESS IN SITEKI

So how many Swazi restaurants do you have in Seattle?

During another sleepless night, I had a revelation which will change my future. When we return to America, I will open a Swazi restaurant which will serve the masses of Swazi tourists visiting Seattle and reveal to Seattleites the hidden epicurean delights found in a Swazi diet.

All I’ll need is to find an empty storefront; perhaps a closed tv repair shop or an abandoned laundromat, or maybe a defunct service station on the edge of town. I’ll need a patch of dirt for the chickens to scratch in, and a few goats to one side would be a nice publicity gimmick. I’ll put a sign in the window saying “Swazi Food”, or if I can find a larger piece of cardboard, “Gary’s Swazi Food” in my best printing using ballpoint. For authenticity, it should read “Siyabonga Ngwane Kudla”. (I learned that in the Peace Corps.)
The menu will center around pap. Swazis love their pap and samp. The beauty of finding the service station is that maybe there would be an old 55 gallon drum I could use to make the pap in. Throw in a bunch of mealie meal (maize), add a little water and salt, and boil; this is called liphalishi. This has the appearance, consistency, and taste of concrete. Throw in a little more water and allow it to steam and you have your pap or porridge. Throw in even more water, stir out the lumps, and it’s called indengane. There are variations to these involving fermentation; maybe I’d need a liquor license. Beside pap, I’d need ligusha which is slimy vegetable, and, of course, rice. The meat offering (inyama) is simple: See ‘chicken’ (tinkhukhu) above. And here is my money maker: The pieces of beef could be purchased for next to nothing because they’re unrecognizable and parts that nobody else would buy. You Seattle granolas need some gristle and bone chips in your diet. For drinks, offer all Coke products (they include Swazi sugar), Fanta orange, Crème soda, and granadilla. I’d introduce root beer, but then we’d lack authenticity for there is no root beer in Swaziland. Generally, desserts are not found in Swaziland but (for a price) we could serve wonderful, fresh mangoes picked off the trees and sent directly to us. They’re the best in the world.

The décor will be simple: A low ceiling and shiny painted surfaces in order to reflect the amplified sounds of the Swazi ‘music’. And maybe we could create a festive atmosphere by dressing the waitresses in Reed Dance costumes. …or maybe not.

These are just a few of my early thoughts and revelatory ideas. I’m sure you can sense my excitement and if any of you would like to join in this venture or at least share your thoughts, just leave your comment below.